Blah!
It's 4:45 on a beautiful Friday afternon. I've been stuck in this place all freekin day. I got out for an hour for lunch. I'm soooooooooooo tired.
I was all pissy today, and about to go on a blogging rampage when I realized: 1. I forgot my blogger account name. 2. Blogspot moved, and I had to go thru this whole rigamoarole to get in here. (This is what happens when you dont blog for a year and a half.) Now I'm just cranky. I want to go to sleep, but NOPE! I scheduled myself a nice little meeting at 6:30pm. how awesome of me.
I was thinking today about the Choices one makes in life. Wouldn't it be great if there really WAS a time machine, and you could go back at certain points in your life and just see what would happen if you chose Door Number 2? OR 3? Or said what you really meant to that person? Or....you get the idea.
Last Saturday night, another one of those "Holy Crap, is what was supposed to happen??" moments proudly slapped me on the face.
Shaun and I were visiting a friend at his house who had recently gotten married. This friend and I had always kind of flirted --but not really flirted. We ran in the same social groups, and he is a really cool guy, just someone you want to hang around, ya know? Well, in the wee hours of the AM, we were talking about the night that Shaun and I met, for the *second* time, which was the start of our relationship. That night was New years Eve's Eve, (I believe I've bloged this event already).
Well, it turns out that this guy friend of mine, was actually waiting it out for Shaun to leave, so he could hit on me, but instead, Shaun was the one that toughed it out until the guy left for home. I, of course, had no idea what was going on. (Acutally, in retrospect, Shaun had mentioned this to me at one point later on, but I dismissed the fact that the friend was still around as just being friendly/drinking beer.)
So my (now married to someone else friend) mentions that he WAS trying to hit on me that night after all. I turn redder than shit, and try to laugh it off. Now I'm mad and wondering...what WOULD have happened, if I was just a little more aware of my surroundings? Would I be married to him now? I mean, I know what happens to my relationship with Shaun. How would things be different?
It got me thinking of all the different possiblities of things I could have done different. Of course, every minute of every day there holds unlimited possibilities, but I'm not trying to warp my brain, (or yours poor reader) around this quantum physics science. What I mean is the big things, that looking back one can say, "Yep, that was a turning point in my life."
For example, what if I had taken that FULL SCHOLORSHIP to the private liberal arts school in CT? Instead, I went to Southwest Missouri state becuase of some fucking random dream.
My life would be massively different just based on that one single act. One decision, to not stay in CT w/ Gina and David, led me down the path that has me sitting in this chair writing this right now. And, here is the kicker: out of all the stuff I've done in my life, the music, the clubs, the people I know, things I've done, I feel unfulfilled. Like I missed the boat on something, and I have not been able to quite figure out what it is. It feels like when you are trying to remember someone's name and it's on the tip of your tounge, and you know that you know it, but you want to say the guys' name is Bob or something, but it really turns out that his name is Pierre.
I have missed my Pierre-Boat. Or something.
